Adoption, especially transracial adoption, gets you into some marshy territory. Like any parent, I want Ethan to grow up feeling comfortable in his own skin, as part of our family and embracing of and embraced by the cultures and groups around him. It is naive to think that it will be that easy. When he was just a week old, we experienced our first negative reaction to the fact that he is biracial. From discussions I have had with parents of other black and biracial children, it will most certainly not be the last.
When we were making the preparations to adopt, Derek and I discussed at length all of the books, articles and websites that we have seen about adoption. We both feel that they are too quick to blame adoption for any and all bumps in the road. The same is true for race. Is your child withdrawn? It must be because he is concerned about issues related to his adoption. Is he acting out? He is probably having trouble understanding his racial identity. Here, we have two very real, integral parts of Ethan's identity. We have to walk a very narrow road between acknowledging and embracing the things that make him different from many people around him, yet not allowing those differences to overshadow his everyday, normal life and development.
He is Ethan. He is black. He is white. He is adopted. He is loved. He is ours.
3 comments:
The issues surrounding race, adoption, and family are ongoing--for you and for your kids. The most important things we can do as parents is be honest with our children about adoption and race, and be educated ourselves about race and racism.
I am a parent to 4 multiracial children, 2 through open domestic adoption and 2 through homebirth. I write about multiracial family life at www.multiracialsky.wordpress.com and I have a website of resources for multiracial families at www.multiracialsky.com.
Regards,
Natasha
Hi Aunt Mama Jenny,
this was such a beautiful post. I don't remember if you saw the Kahlil Gibran poem I posted on the vb last week. Sorry if I'm being redundant, but here it is in case you didn't see it. And I first heard it on Judging Amy on the episode where Peter and Gillian are adopting their biracial baby.
Your blog is beautiful and so are you.
xo
Maddy
Children
by Kahlil Gibran
And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said,
"Speak to us of Children."
And he said:
Your children are not your children:
They are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness; For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
© Kahlil Gibran, 1923, 1973.
Thank you Maddy - I did not see your post of the poem last week. It is beautiful - I have read it over and over and find something new every time.
I feel like I learn so much every day. As a member in a newly conspicuous family, I am so much more aware of the privileges I have that I had previously taken for granted. It is eye-opening - wonderful that DH, DS and I can be a positive example and hopefully make a difference in people's lives and perspectives, and saddening at the same time because I know that not all people will accept someone that I love so fiercely, simply because of the way he looks. I continue to search for that balance...
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